kick, scream,

Today and yesterday was an especially hard day for me.
I have been sick and my body feels like it just wants to give out.

I have to just keep reminding myself "God does not give us more than we can handle."

I fight to stay above water. I kick and kick, I will not give up. It will take the last breath in me till I am done.

I just want to scream at the top of my lungs.
but I can't get the words out.
I stay silent and keep it to myself.

my life is no longer my own.

don't know what to say, but that I Love You

Today was a bit better. I heard From My Love today.

It helped make my day a little nicer.

To know you are okay is one of the best feelings in the world.

Well it is just the boys, aubrey, and I tonight. The girls are staying at there friends house. People ask me how I am doing since you left.

What am I supposed to say? I mean if I told them how I really feel, well I just can't.

I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me or think I can't handle it.

I know I can handle it, because like they say " God never gives you more than you can handle"

I pray that is right.

I am so lonely. I mean, I know I have the five kids, and they are wonderful and keep me crazy busy. It is just I miss my Husbands arms. I miss him in bed next to me.

Yes people I know it is his job and I will NEVER hold fault to him for it.

I love the man he is. I love how brave he is.

I hold you in my heart, I hold you with everything I have inside of me. I Love You My Love. I will be here waiting for you. I can't wait for you to come home to the kids and me.

My Forever My Always

I spoke to my love last night. I was so happy to hear from him. I actually slept a couple of hours.

After pressing Pride's hand a few times. he says "I Love you Celeste Hernandez Flores". lol



I miss My Hubby so much. He called at least 6 times today and I could not hear him once. At least it showed he cares, because he kept trying. I just told him I Loved him and prayed he could hear at least me telling him I Loved him.



I wish he was here with me. I can't help it I just feel like, uh, well I don't know how to explain how I feel.



It is just like this piece of you is missing. I know we will get through this. It is just harder than his last deployment .



We are married now, we have become ONE, and We have a family.



The heart is a complex thing.

It give you:

Joy

Happiness

Sadness

Hurt

But above all

Love.



You can not trade one for the other.



You are not always going to agree,

but as long as you know at the end of the day

that you would rather fight with that one person and

make up with that one person, there is nothing to stop

the two of you from accomplishing any dreams you have together.



He has my heart

and I have his.





I got to sleep at night

unable to close my eyes tight

I love you more than you know

I just wish you didn't have to go

I remember you lying in bed

now there is a bear you gave me instead

I wish you were still here

but I will be brave and have no fear

I miss you more and more each day

But know that I am here to stay.

I'll be by your side always and forever

and our love I will always treasure.



I Love you with all my Heart



My Always My Forever

FAMILY LOVE

Hi My Love,

I haven't heard from you all day. I hope you are okay. I know you are most likely crazy busy.

Today was a beautiful day. I went to see about enrolling Lil' One in preschool. It looks like she will be starting at the same school as the rest of the kiddos next year.

There was this one thing that really pissed me off today, but I will handle it.

It made Tristan cry. I mean he was crying and saying he wished that you were still here. He said he misses you.

I started crying of course.

Oh, wow wait a minute now I have had 2 crying boys today..lol.

We are wathcing "Where the Wild things Are" and Brian is crying because of the ending...lol..and Tristan is trying to make him laugh. lol,,he is laughing now..Man our boys are such dorks..

Analissa wanted me to tell you something. "I LOVE YOU DADDY" She is so funny.

We all miss you My Love.

I actually slept last night. Well I slept for at least 4 hours. That's better than nothing I guess. And I had a bowl of soup.

I wonder what you are doing right now. I wonder if you have had enough sleep. If you are okay.

I Love You soooo much.

I need you. I know we say no one ever really needs anyone, but I think we were wrong. I need you.

You and the kids are my happiness.

I Love You My Love.

I will miss being in your arms tonight. I can't say enough "I LOVE YOU" not just "LOVE YOU" no I mean "I LOVE YOU.

Case of the Monays

Today was a Monday. Yes a Monday. People usually say "I have the case of the Mondays"
Today was a horrible day.
Each moment that I had for some reason I could not stop thinking about him. He seems not him self.

I know is he not always going to be Mr. perky or Mr. perfect. I understand he is tired.

I guess I just needed to smile today and I thought if I talked to him he could make me smile. But alas, I could not even get him to smile.

It is moments like that, that make me wonder if we can make it through this. I don't know maybe I am just tired, I really haven't slept in the last couple days and maybe only eaten twice.

It just has been one of those days. I have so much on my mind on top of worrying about my Husband being deployed.

I don't want to talk to him about it because I feel like he has enough to worry about, why burden him with my issues.

He says he is not worried about me, because he knows I am strong and I can handle it. But to be honest I think he does worry. I think he worries that it will overwhelm me.

This is how I see it. Life is always going to a bumpy road. If someone says it is always smooth, they are retarded and frankly not honest with themselves.

I am not saying there are no good times, I Crazy Wonderful Great Times. I am just saying If you can't face the bumpy, Rough, kick you in the Ass bumpy roads you will never be fully happy or you will not fully be in reality .

But I would rather Be on this road with my Hubby than anyone else. Because at the end of the day we may have those crazy, messed up, pissed off days, but man do I love the Make up time. And I love the Crazy Wonderful Great Times and I would not change any of it for the world.


I Love my family with everything I have in me. They give me strength I never knew I had. That is how I know I will get through this. I have my moments that I honestly don't know but then I look at our kids and my Hubby and I know that we can make it through anything.

I know I am babbling I guess I do that a lot. Especially when I have so much on my mind.

I to end this I will just say I Love My Family and Ultimately I know we will get through this deployment.

We Miss My Hubby like crazy, but we know he is doing what has to.

He is My Always and My Forever

" Burns like a burning rain of fire" lol

I Miss You My Love,



IT BURNS, BURNS, BURNS LIKE A BURNING RAIN OF FIRE. (LOL) I LOVE YOU MY LOVE





Today was fun. I painted the girls nails. which by the way they loved!




It was funny to watch Aubrey squirm. You know she can't stay still for 2 seconds. LOL.



Analissa says she is going to wake up early so I can do her hair.




I miss you so much. I wish you were here with me seeing all of this. Joking around, calling the kids clowns.


I can't wait to see you wrestle with kids again.




The boys did the usual on a rainy day video games and computer.







You know how it goes. Once they get started on electronics it is like everything else in the world disappears.

Gee I wonder who that reminds me of..lol.









I keep thinking about how you are doing. I haven't heard from you and I guess I am just worried. I mean I know you are okay and I know you can't always call. You just sounded really tired last time I talked to you.






Oh and p.s. next time pack the right deodorant, that might help you out a bit..lol


Just kidding. Well sort of... I Love You So Much!

You are such a goofball.





You always know how to make me laugh and smile.

Even if it is on accident.


Like the time you moped the floor and you almost fell, because of how slippery it was.

Yes, Yes, I know I am the one that said to use the pledge we use for the table..my bad..lol..but you have to admit it was funny to watch everyone slipping and falling all over the floor.




I don't want to go to bed tonight. I know I eventually have to. I just don't want to. The feeling of you not laying there next me makes me cry. It is one thing when you are out on mission but you come home eventually, this is an entire year without you laying next to me.
I miss the loud snoring you do. Is it weird that it helps me sleep. I miss your arms around me.

Hopefully the time goes by fast. well I pray it does.


You don't have to worry about anything here. So far so good. The kids are doing good. Except of course the fact that they all miss you.


They are all asleep right now. They are not giving me a hard time at all. Of course the usual fights and banter between them all but nothing major.




It was funny though, well not funny but, I dunno. Savanah and Lil' Brian thought they could out stubborn me. I gave them a really small portion of veggies, (and I mean small..lol) they would not eat it. I told them they could sit at the table till it was time for bed if they were not going to eat them. Well guess what they did..Yup they ate there veggies.

I just want our kids to be healthy and they are so young I don't want them to have health issues. Well you already know how I am about there health.





Anyway,

I finally made it to OUR bed. I am laying here right now writing. I don't want to go to sleep. I have been having a hard time sleeping. I really never thought it would be like this.

I never thought that it would affect me like this. I mean I knew that I would miss you. I guess I didn't expect for it to feel like this.









It feels like I am holding my breath. I sleep with pride at night and push his hand over and over again. You know "celeste hernandez flores" lol..I love you so much.



I love you with all my heart and soul.








I will remain yours always and forever.

Please stay staff come back home to us. We All Miss you soooooo much!

Yours truly
Yours forever

Yours Always,


I Love You My Love,


Love Your Wife, Your Partner,
YOURS.

Love Letter

To My Love,

Today was the longest day. Everything seemed to remind me of you. Of the dorky things you would do down to the things you would say. Even the foot in the mouth things.

I was so happy when we were IMing. I am sorry you are stuck at the airport. But I would rather you be safe in the airport than on a plane with a half broken wing.

You are so wonderful to me. I know this time apart is going to be hard for both of us. The last time you were deployed we were still getting to know each other.

Now we know one another inside and out. Which is a good thing, well mostly a good thing..lol.

I am laying in bed right now wishing you were here next to me, even though I know right about now, (especially on a Saturday) you would be playing Call of Duty right about now yelling at the T.V.

I miss you crawling it bed late after video games and holding me in your arms.

This is the first of many weekends that I will spend without your arms around me.

When I saw you on the web cam. I was so happy to see your face. Happy to see actual reactions.

I think I needed that. I know that I will not be able to talk to you every day, but I enjoy the time and will enjoy the time I do get to talk to you.

We have had many trials and tribulations, but we have seen right past them.

We will get through anything as long as we are together.

I will Love You Always and Forever

Remember always that you have the kids and I her waiting for you.We Miss you like crazy!

I am so proud to be your wife and so happy to be your wife.

Part of my cleaning was organizing our closet . I was putting our hats and shoes together and all I could think was I miss my Love. I won't see him where any of these hats, shoes, or clothes for a long time. I won't be able to smell your cologne on you.

I started crying. I am crying right now just writing about it.

now I am thinking about when you would hold me when I was crying and try to make me laugh or make me feel better.

I Love You So Much!

Remember You are and Always be My Always and Forever

So I end this letter with the My Love, with the Heart that will Always be Yours

I Love you Always and Forever

Celeste or like you call me Your Beautiful

first weekend

It is the first weekend without My Love. So far so good.

All the kiddos helped with the cleaning, The entire house is clean!

They are all outside playing now.

Now there is me left with my thoughts.

The thoughts that I avoid.

I pray to GOD that I will be able to get through this. I am so nervous and scared.

I will be taking care of 5 children all by myself.

Yes, yes I know that I am with them by myself practically all day when he is at work, but the fact is he always came home at the end of the work day.

You know what it is time to pick myself up and get out of these house clothes and get dressed. I can not keep myself like this the entire time he is gone.

I Love my family and the best thing I can do for them right now is keep moving.

keep moving forward. Keep myself busy.

Maybe the time will pass by fast. Hopefully it will.

I am supposed to start college next fall. I am so excited! To be able to finish college and start my career is something I have been wanting to do.

Even while writing this thing. In what seems like random thoughts. I still think of him. I am trying to think about or talk about something else to distract myself, but I am unable to do so.

I did not sleep last night. It is getting more and more difficult to sleep, but apparently neither could he. He said he was in and out of sleep all night.

Is it possible him and I are that connected?

Well it is time to end this entry and get moving'.

I Love my Husband and I Love all Our Kiddos. to put it directly I LOVE MY FAMILY!

It is night and I am surrounded :)

I am wide awake unable to sleep. I have not yet figured out how to just shut my eyes and go to sleep. It has been difficult to sleep the last few days. It feels like I can't sleep when I am supposed to.



It is10:22 p.m. and I am surrounded by my daughters. well if you want to get technical my step daughters (3), but I consider them more than that. Well now the boys are in here..lol..two on the floor three on the bed..They are so cute! I think our room is the hang out tonight..lol

They all want to play on my laptop.


It is so funny to watch them clammier around me like there is no other room on the bed besides right on top of me..lol.. I don't mind.





Just talked to my Hubby..I Love hearing his voice. Especially when he says "I Love You Beautiful" I Love him sooo much.








All these kidos will keep me busy while the hubby is away. It is so weird still not to have him here joking around with them.




Tristan and Lil' Brian are playing games now.. You can't distract those boys for anything while they are playing games. The Boys especially miss Brian already. They already asked when he is coming back.









Family is everything, without them where would any of us be.





Do not bring your past in your future, but make it a part of who you become.




As the days go by it will be a strange thing not to have my husband by my side.





Love is a strange thing. It can make you so happy, then out of no where make you so sad.











I want his arms around me right now. ( even though he would probably be playing call of duty right now..lol)


I look ahead to all of our futures and see a great life, maybe not your ordinary or normal life but Man is it going to be a hell of a ride.

She will be patient and she will be waiting for the day he will return and she can once again be in his arms.

Bed is half gone

He has not laid next to me for two nights now. This is going to be harder than I thought.

How did I do this before? I was single for so long. I had no problems sleeping alone. It is different now. I can't imagine my life without him.

We have come a long way. I have known him since I was 15. (wow! almost 14 years ago.) He went off and married with 4 children and I went off and had o1 child. Who would have thought 10 - 11 years later I would have run back into my future husband.

We have custody of his 4 children and I have my child. I couldn't imagine my life any other way. I never thought I would have such a large family. I love it!

My husband is deployed right now and will be gone for a little while.

The day he left I couldn't stop crying. All I wanted was to hold onto him and not let him go. I wanted to keep that moment going.

Do not get me wrong I understand he has a job to do. I understand that as a soldiers wife I have to be more patient and understanding than most.

We have been through so much drama in our relationship and it felt so wonderful to finally come to that place where we had become ONE.

My family tells me to just take it a day at a time. " A day at a time."

hmmm. sometimes it feels like it is a minute at a time.

Maybe it will get easier as the time passes.

All I know is I Love My Wonderful Husband with all my heart.

He is serving our country and taking care of our family. All I want from him right now is to take care of himself and come back home to us safe.